The wages of suffering

A recording of Friday's gospel and reflection can be accessed here.

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Today’s gospel (Matthew 16: 24-28) challenges us in our deepest understanding of what it means to be a success in life. If we will be His disciples, then, like those Sons of Thunder James and John, and like Peter, the newly appointed pope, who had just been rebuked as Satan by the Lord Himself in verse 23 of this chapter, we too must be ready to lose ourselves to save our souls, or at least to lose the idea we have made of ourselves, our own unwitting deity of the hearth. Let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me, says the Lord. Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. A man may yet gain the whole world, but if it comes at the price of his eternal soul, what is that really worth? For God will repay every person according to what he has done, and what if one of us has chosen the appearances over the reality, or the temporal over the everlasting?

Sometimes, the gospel calls us to encounter the Lord, and then we are overwhelmed with awe at the Master and Shepherd on whose face we dare to cast our gaze, But sometimes the gospel calls us not so much to encounter the Lord but to take a look at ourselves, and before we know it, the Scriptures hold up a mirror before our stained and deformed faces, and then Lord help us if we refuse in our hearts to perceive what our mind’s eye is given to see.

We humans are born romantics with a longing for the safety of the womb. No wonder we get excited at the exaltation of our hearts over the consolations of wisdom or even, God help us, at the excitement of something we hardly realise is probably cheap and nasty religious sensationalism. But here in this gospel, the Lord points firmly to the path that leads to eternal wisdom, and to our surprise, it is not along a dainty primrose path to nicer feelings, but rather via that stoney road that leads us to Mount Calvary where eternal joy embraces an abyss of temporary sorrow. Not that way, Lord, surely, we say; even St Therese of Lisieux said it. And, yet we hear again and again the words of the Lord:

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.

This is not by the way a school of stoicism. Christ is not issuing His disciples merely with an agenda of heroic forbearance, like some Navy Seal instructor. Notice the pronouns: follow me; deny himself. This is not a code primarily, but a creed not of self-belief but of belief in the Eternal Other. It is a call to cast our eyes upon Him who promises to be for us the source of all our strength:

Those who love me will keep my word, and my Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them.

And, then, St Paul will give echo to this reality:

I live; now not I, but Christ lives in me.

If we in that moment have not the courage to say our fiat beneath the cross, what does it matter? Let us invite Him to say His fiat to the Father in us! And from that moment, we can allow our sails to be filled again with the gentle breeze of His Holy Spirit, resigning ourselves not to our misery, but rather to His kind embrace that picks us up and carries us forward. Then, perhaps, when we have wept for our sins, we can smile a little on our own misery, no longer wounded in our pride by our consistent inconsistency, but touched like Him with compassion for the broken.

Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

In that surrender to His almighty hand lies in fact the secret of our personal vocations, our particular callings, by which we are meant to reflect some dimension of the beauty of the Eternal One. When Jesus says to lose our lives, He does not mean our real lives in Him, but our fake lives, our tawdry and self-constructed lives, the ghastly castles we have built from our pound-shop plans and our mass-produced lusts; the lives our impoverished imaginations have designed, the existences our grasping fingers have drawn in the sands of our passing years. This is what we must lose; not the things that reflect Him and thus invigorate us, but the things that are merely the grotesque reflection of our own lack of eternal aspiration. There, where we have wedded our hearts not to His dreams but to our cheap designs: that is where the axe must be laid to the root of the tree.

This is no once-and-for-all moment, it is a daily duty, for the cross must be taken up every day. Cats have nine lives, they say, but the old man in us seems to be capable of an endless number of zombie-like resuscitations, stirring from the ashes of our last repentance, attempting to draw us back down into the mire that we never quite lose the taste for. Such is the legacy of original sin, overcome but never entirely erased, as even St Paul could testify:

To keep me from being too elated, he tells the Corinthians, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

In this incarnational agenda, therefore, our own life story finds its glory, but only and always at the end of the journey that goes by the royal way of the cross.